Crabby
Day 73. I’ve reached a plateau. I’ve been pretty faithful to my no carbs/sugar policy, and I’ve been diligent about walking my two miles every day. But I’m still 190. I was 190 a month ago, and I’m 190 today. I’ve changed shape for sure, my legs and backside are firmer, my chest (thank you Jesus!) is smaller, and my stomach, too. But I’m NOT happy. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to, and I’m not losing any more weight. My blood glucose is pretty good, but that has leveled off as well. I’ve even dropped the sugar in my coffee by half. What the f***?
This is the time when I usually cave. This is the time when I say why bother? This is the time when I buy a jumbo-sized bag of M&Ms and Go. To. Town. What am I supposed to do now? Keep at it? I went to a birthday party this weekend and I ate cake – two pieces! And mac and cheese. And a coupla Yodels. And I felt FREE! I remember a time when my middle sis and I used to buy a box of Ring Dings and eat them all in one sitting. I think we washed them down with beer... Ah, the glory days! It felt good to fall off the fat wagon for 24 hours.
So apparently I have to make further cuts in the few food-things that make me happy. I’m supposed to give up butter now? Bacon? Cheese? Creamy salad dressings? The interwebs are full of advice about how to lose weight, but not about how to still enjoy eating while you do it. For a flat stomach don’t eat these five things… what a load of crap! If you want to lose weight you have to move and you have to stop eating the food you want to eat. Let’s stop pretending that weight loss is some awesome experience. It’s about privation and longing and frustration. It’s like quitting smoking, or giving up booze. You can’t go back. Ever. It blows. Every time I step off the path, it takes days to get back to where I was. It takes every ounce of energy I have to not give up every f****** day, and I go to bed feeling unfulfilled and weary. Everything has to go through the vetting process. Can I eat this? Will it spike my sugar, will I gain back a pound, will I hate myself later? I’m so tired of eating. I’m so tired of thinking about eating. I wish I could just take a pill three times a day and remove the need to eat entirely from my life.
I hate everything.
Have a nice day.
