Mirror, Mirror

Mirrors. They are everywhere. If you're lucky, you can only see your face, or maybe your upper torso, and you can pretend you're some beautiful armless statue in the MFA. But store changing rooms, hotel rooms? Terrifying. Oh my God. I have an ass like a dray horse...I look like the Michelin Man...and the popular favorite 'What the hell is THAT?'

If you're like me, you avoid shopping for clothes, because let's face it, if you're fat, NOTHING fits.Remember, 3X translates as you are three times the size of a normal human. I'm a 2X now, only twice the size. Progress! I once asked for the plus sizes in a Sears and the snotty staff member pointed off and said 'the fat clothes are over there.' It took every ounce of my strength not to grab her around the throat and shake her like a rag doll. And they say fat people have no self-control! HA!

I don't think I even shopped that day. I left the store in a rage, my two young daughters in tow, and it further cemented my conviction that fat people should never shop for clothes. Ever. I'll just wear this lovely shower curtain - the pattern is nice.

So I'm at my bro and sis-in-law's, and my guest bathroom has a floor to ceiling mirror. Right across from the door. I can't walk in without seeing me, ALL of me, all the time. Yikes. Not so bad when I'm brushing my teeth, but... Mirror, mirror, on the wall, whose the fattest of us all? Uh, you, dumbass. You. I've avoided looking at it, like it's Medusa and I'll turn to stone.

So I finally mustered up the courage to, you know, look at me, really look. You know, sans clothes. And I was surprised. I look exactly like I thought I would, only, everything is smaller. My stomach has dropped, like I'm going into labor soon. Oh, the baby's head is down! If you haven't seen a middle-aged fat woman who has given birth twice, GOOD. It ain't pretty. Sometimes I'll see some new mom out running with her three-week old baby in one of those push-things, and she's already trim and decked out in her running clothes, and she's not even breaking a sweat, and I want to throw some caltrops just to take her down.

It's hard to look at myself. What I've done to myself, over time. No matter how much weight I lose, there's gonna be some sagging. Some loose skin. Some...dimpling. I'll never have six-pack abs. So I'll just have to settle for a six-pack instead. The equivalent of beer goggles, so I can look at myself. Maybe even take myself home. I'm not so bad. My face is okay, and I've got a great personality.

So I've decided that I will defy the Medusa and look in all the mirrors I find, and I'll see me, really see my self, and I'm okay with that.