COMPUTERS & OTHER EVIDENCE OF THE DEVIL'S HANDIWORK
It’s been an annoying morning. I usually write my blog at 5 am. It’s 12:30 on Saturday and I’ve spent the last five hours trying to address some computer issues preventing me from using my blog editor. So while I’ve been snarling, throwing things, and feeling like the dumbest shit that ever lived, my little food voice has been calling. Ya now what would make ya feel better? Pancakes. Have some pancakes. Who cares if you blog? It’s Saturday. Pancake Day. Pancakes are delicious. Pancakes make aaaallllll your problems go away. Have some. Have some pancakes.
It seems like there are always roadblocks. Delays. Impediments. How anyone ever gets from point A to B or start to finish always amazes me. There are ideas, plans, desires. And then there’s implementation. The big brick wall stopping you from going in the direction you want. Why? Why always walls? It’s not like you put them there…wait a minute… okay… some you do, some you don’t. Today’s computer problems have been put there by someone else. Eating pancakes will not fix them. But wouldn’t that be amazing? If just eating fluffy, delicious pancakes could solve all your problems? Drowned in butter and REAL maple syrup (don’t even try to call yourself a New-Englander if you are putting that corn syrup crap on your pancakes damn your eyes!)
But the walls we put up ourselves? Pancakes aren’t the answer. Believe me - I’ve tried. So you’re staring up and up at this wall (mine is crowned with the tiny, distant figures of the Men of the Night's Watch) and you have three choices. Climb. Go around. Go back. Every day we are faced with these choices, and it’s hard to admit how many times I’ve gone back. It just seems too hard sometimes. The wall is too high, or I’m too weak or fearful to climb, or I can’t see a quick, easy way around so I stop looking for one. And turn back. Each time I do this there is new shame, new regret, and, of course, a new opportunity to see just how many cookies I can eat in one sitting. Chocolate covered oreos are the salve for my wounded pride, the marigold that heals the scab. I really can’t tell you how often I turn to food as a comfort for any number of things, and I know this resonates with a lot of people. I worked hard today, somebody was a shit to me today, I’m tired, I need a break. I deserve it, like I'm a puppy who dutifully peed outside instead of in. Here’s a treat. Good dog!
What a vicious circle. I feel bad, so I eat, so I feel bad, so I eat…round and round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows. How do you break the cycle?
I think for me it’s about the wall. Staying at the wall until you find a solution, or a work-around, or you just crush it and barge through. If I couldn’t do it yesterday, what makes me think I’ll be able to do it today? If nothing’s different, then how will the results be different?
At some point we either rise or fall. We either get up or we stay down. It’s hard to get up. It’s hard to try the same thing again and again and risk failing, again and again. Why do I have to do this? Why can’t somebody else deal with it? Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
So finding something that makes the battle worth fighting is critical. Maybe it’s about the people you love, and maybe it’s about you. But you need to find something. And that requires self-examination, which surprisingly doesn’t generally go well for people with low self-esteem. This doughnut is trying to impart its wisdom to me. I must listen very closely. But you have to keep trying, don’t you? Like Dory says, “just keep swimming.”
I’m off to the garage to get my sledgehammer. Hey laptop! How do ya like me now?
